Last Friday morning I dropped my youngest off at school and took a drive to my hometown, about an hour and a half away. I was facing a task that I dreaded yet knew had to be done. It was there that I would meet 3 of my siblings to go through our parents home, take what we wanted, seperate the things to donate, and throw out the things that had no use. It was our goal to empty the house out completely as it was to be painted and put on the market to be sold.
I had been trying everything I could think of to keep from going. I wanted to be there, yet didn't. I knew it would be agonizing for me but couldn't avoid it. In a way, I felt it was one last way I could honor my parents so I knew it was one of those things in life that would be so difficult but had to be done.
I had lost so much sleep over this. I had prayed constantly for God to give me the grace to do this; to enable me to complete this task. As usual, He was faithful to me and gave me the strength when I have been so weak.
The actual job of cleaning out the house wasn't as difficult as I had expected. I think we were all in "work mode"; we had a job to do and we did it with a good degree of efficiency. In the midst of all the "stuff" were unexpected treasures and hidden memories. Some brought sweet smiles, some, agonizing tears.
As our work progressed, and as each room echoed with emptiness, my mind took me back to a time, nearly 50 years ago, when a young couple, not married 5 years yet but already with 3 children, made this their home. I imagined how excited and happy Mom was to finally have a place of her own. How she must have smiled as she planned each child's room, as she put away her household items, how she made it her home. I think of my dad; how proud he was to be able to pay cash for their first home and his plans for caring for his family. They had no idea at that time what life had in store for them; that they would have 3 more children. They didn't know the joys and the heartache that marriage and family life would bring them. Yet, they met each struggle with determination to stick it out together, no matter what. I love them for that.
I can't remember a time in my life when my tears have been so frequent and so difficult to hold. Just a simple look from a friend or a question of, "How are you doing?" will open the flood gates. I am NOT handling this very well. But I have a Savior who is walking closely with me and who loves me and who promises He will never leave me nor forsake me. I lean into Him to get me through this and I know I am in good hands.
Letter or Sticky note
11 years ago
3 comments:
I do know exactly how you feel. Funny you post this on my own mom's birthday, a day that each year brings joy and heart ache, even now after 9 years! Please know that I am thinking about you and your family often, and also know that it does take a long time to deal with losing your parents. It will always be a hole in your heart, but I promise, that hole really does get smaller with time. I know that there will never be a day in my life that I don't miss them, but I CAN tell you, the flood of tears won't come as often or as unexpectedly as time marches on. Hang in there, and enjoy each and every one of your parent memories, that is how they live on in you! Take care and let those tears come as they may, it only makes you stronger.
I appreciate your words and encouragement, Friend.
I remember your mother fondly; a WONDERFUL woman!!
Thanks for sharing this post. I can identify to alot of it on so many levels. I am glad you know where to go for your ultimate strength - He has heard from me a lot too!
I was also glad to read you have taken up the Cello. It is easy to hear someone say or read some else say - "don't put things off because you never know what tomorrow brings..." We all agree with that statement and always shake our heads like, "Yes, for sure!" But, most people don't ever really follow through on the swing. After I got out of the hospital last year - I had alot of these A HA! moments and dug out jewelry that was "too nice to wear for every day" and shirts or shoes that I had deemed worthy of a special day to wear - and darn it...I put it all on! I wear the jewelry, the special occasion stuff whenever I please - and once in awhile I will eat chocolate icecream out of a vintage china dish! And nobody burst into flames! LOL
Good luck on the Cello!
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